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Tips for Fighting off the Blahs of Winter…or any other Season

It’s been a while, right? Well, there is a reason for my absence.

So, this is how it goes… Every year, I start out on fire. To some extent, I believe all of us do. A season of festivities and reunions with friends and family that has taken us to the mountaintop of joy has just concluded.

Add to that the tradition of New Year’s Resolutions. Whether or not you officially jump on the resolution bandwagon, I suspect that your brain churns around some things that you’d like to better about yourself. It’s only logical to imagine how life will be improved after realizing the goals you’ve pondered.

Why then is the beginning of the year the most difficult for me? Why, in the first quarter of the year, do I battle suicidal ideation the most? It used to be that every winter, I knew February would reward me with a sinus infection. February is now synonymous with me trying to not take my life.

It feels like I lose three-plus months of my life every year, just trying to survive. I want that to stop! If I want to know why winter is the most difficult for me, then I need to understand where my fire and optimism go…and then determine what I can do to change that.

My disclaimer is that no earth-shattering revelations will be produced in this writing. What will be presented are common sense realizations along with simple guidelines for myself and my readers to follow in the future.

Why do I finish off the year on such a high? There is a great deal of socialization that takes place in the last forty-five days of a year. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least three holiday parties that I attended outside my home. There were two celebrations with the immediate family. These events took place in five cities and two different states, involving road trips, airline travel, and hotel lodging.

There’s some bad to be found in these scenarios. The parties and travel associated with the holidays can incur stress-inducing expenses. Listening to Uncle Hank tell the story about how he met Samantha Bee at Hillsong Church for the thirtieth time is flat out coma-inducing. Overall though, parties and travel are pretty exciting. The intensity and positive energy of the holidays isn’t maintained throughout the rest of the year…and the descent from mountain top to valley is harsh.

How does my hope and anticipation for the upcoming year send me so far down the wrong road? New Year’s Resolutions create a euphoric feeling. Without a doubt, by year-end, I’m going to be a millionaire and have a Baywatch lifeguard body. Three weeks of daily Amazon deliveries and the hundred pounds of pork rinds I’ve consumed by the end of January say otherwise.

Throw in the worst weather of the year for the northern hemisphere and a pandemic that keeps us from going to our favorite places and seeing our favorite folks….

It sounds like if I can maintain some level of excitement year-round AND chart some forward movement toward the achievement of my goals, that would go a long way. I’ve found some things that have worked for me so far in 2020. I’ll be honest, 2020 has been brutal, but I’m still here…and I still have hope.

I’ve learned that when I have something to look forward to, an air of excitement is created that helps to fight the darkness. Before COVID-19 took hold of the States, I planned a long weekend of camping each month. Approximately 10 hours away is a national park that I’d never been to. I love national parks! Leading up to my first trip, I consumed every YouTube video I could find about the park. This fueled my buzz about the trip and got me out of a rut.

My trip was utterly amazing. Seriously, it beheld wonders and experiences that partly changed who I am. The momentum created by that trip continued as I shared a smidge of my experiences on social media each day. The pictures and video transported me back in time. They revived the initial elation I felt as I curated each post.

How amazing was the second trip going to be? I set a date for a return visit roughly a month later. Again, just a long weekend…nothing too drastic or vacation time depleting. This meant more planning! It also meant that my thoughts were held captive! Some of the time that would typically be spent in skirmishes with doubt, fear, and evil was harnessed.

The resolutions that faded…no problem. I just did a reset. Resolutions don’t have to be annual. They can be daily, weekly, monthly….whatever you want them to be. I entered 2020 with a very disciplined diet as part of the New Year. Think habitual nourishment, not a weight loss scheme. I felt amazing! Every tangible metric surrounding my physiology improved. The shopping and food prep, though, did become burdensome. The enthusiasm for my new diet waned. I didn’t take this as a defeat. I was in a better place physically than on January 1st, and my abandonment of this change in my life was only going to be temporary. I learned what about my new diet worked well and what didn’t. I’d implement what I learned and start again fresh at the start of the next quarter.

COVID-19 has created some snafus. Grocery shopping in April looked very different than it did in January. Likewise, with travel. Too bad that diet and travel were the cures for my winter depression. Being victorious over the winter blahs do not have to incorporate food or location. It’s about finding situations and people that replicate the same effects as the holiday season. I’m reluctant to use the word “things” here. Finding a thing to fulfill happiness creates an unhealthy pattern. “If I just had a new car…a new laptop…a new cellphone…then I’d be happy, and all my problems would vanish.”

Are your winters rough when compared to the holiday season? What is it that you love about the fall and the holidays? Maybe it isn’t winter that is hard for you, but another time of year that reminds you of loss or tragedy. What emotions and desires are created during a favorite time of yours? How can you learn to recreate them during troubling times? What situations and people bring you joy?

As I said previously, 2020 has still been rough. I’ve gone to bed praying to God that I die during my sleep. And, I’ve cursed Him when morning came, and death had not found me. I’ve Googled topics this past week that put me on the Most Wanted List for every helpline in a hundred-mile radius. However, the practices I’ve implemented have kept me alive and hopeful. I still hope….and so can you!

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Be the Boss of Your Own Story: How to Focus on the Positive and Minimize Disappointment.

It has to be about you…and it needs to be told by you. It’s YOUR story!

My grandfather loves trucks. What it is about them, I’m not sure. He owns at least six trucks that I know of. Translated: he probably has at least ten of them scattered around his different properties.

Here’s a quick tip that is off topic…and free of charge. Don’t drive a truck into a tight space, leave it for a few years, and then try to get it back out. The trees that you navigated around grow larger during that time. Junk accumulates in and around said truck. Oh, and the truck probably isn’t going to start…even IF you’re able to find the keys to it. You’re welcome.

My grandfather decided he wanted to resurrect one of his trucks that has been sitting…in a tight space…that trees and their low hanging limbs have grown around…with junk piled all around it…and has no key…

With the help of my uncle, my grandfather managed to move the truck about 10 feet. They gave up, but not before leaving the truck wedged in between a gate which now allowed no passage from the front yard to the back yard.

Week number two of the truck sitting wedged among trees, the gate, and an outbuilding, I joked to my wife that we should use our truck to get it out. After another week passed my wife brought it up and I agreed. “Let’s do it!” We positioned our truck in what we thought would be the best position for the task. Out came our recovery gear: snatch block, winch blanket, tree saver. With winch cable unspooled, we hooked everything up to begin the rescue operation.

It took over an hour. That truck was really in a pickle. But we did it. My wife and I were very proud of what we had accomplished. We worked great as a team. My wife stretched herself and handled most of the winching with my guidance. It was a great feeling. This is where our story, and many of the stories in your life should end. “I faced insurmountable challenges. I overcame them. Score!” The end.

The ramshackle gate that the truck was wedged between. It was already pretty sketchy. The abuse it took from the first recovery attempt was brutal. It gave up the ghost during our successful attempt. Nothing that couldn’t be easily fixed. The hinges needed to be secured again into the 4×4 post. For the time being, I propped up the gate, adding it to my list of items to take care of. Apparently…it fell over.

“Gate is open.” That was the message from my Grandfather to my Mother in Law…to my wife…to me. “Gate is open.” Are you fricking kidding me?

Let me recap. Grandfather wanted his truck. Grandfather struggled getting truck. Grandfather failed. Wife and I got truck out. Our reward: “Gate is open.”

We didn’t rescue the truck for accolades. We rescued it for the challenge, and to do something nice for our Grandfather. Both objectives were achieved. Our satisfaction came from what we had accomplished. It was tough. We worked our mental and physical asses off figuring out how to do it. The pride we felt for working so well as a team to achieve this was intoxicating.

It was about us. And it came from us. My wife and I were complete by meeting the challenge we’d set for ourself and the pride we felt. We were self contained. Any kudos or recognition from outside would have been a bonus, but it wasn’t necessary.

This event could be a story of disappointment. It isn’t. It’s a kick ass, hell yeah, we did it story!

I believe that having people in our lives is important. I also believe that relying on others to find our sense of accomplishment leads to serious problems. Because…we have no control over other people. So, don’t give them power they shouldn’t have.

We are valuable regardless of someone else acknowledging so. Our value is not based upon what someone else thinks. It is inside us. Always. Waiting for someone to be proud of you is disappointing. Waiting for a thank you is a set up for failure.

My “kick ass, hell heah, we did it story” is vastly different from my Grandfather’s “Gate is open” story. I’m gonna tell my story. His doesn’t matter.

Tell your story today! Claim it…share it…be proud of it…and know when to end it!

Go out there and Conquer Hope Deferred!

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A Tale of Two Illnesses: One Example of the Disparity of Support Between Physical and Mental Health Issues

I once had an absolutely amazing employer. It was a dream come true to become a part of their family. There was no dress code. There was virtually no vacation policy. I’m sure human resources would differ with me, but when I’m on a trip with the president of the company, and he states, “We have no vacation policy”…I’m siding with him. I could take my dog to work, let him play with all the other work pups and watch him on webcam. Health care was zero cost. ZERO. No premium. No co-pay. No deductible. The leadership had a vision unlike any other organization of which I’ve been a part.

I could continue to wow you with the amenities and opportunities. My eyes light up when I’m given the chance to share their story…and my role in it. When a passion of mine is the conversation, you might as well wind me up and let me go.

One of the greatest stories about my employer concerns tragedy. A new line of business was being added and the course of action was to find an industry leader to spearhead the venture. Relatively soon after being on boarded, he was diagnosed with cancer. Not having yet begun his new position, the CEO advised him to focus on his health and seek the treatment he required. The company would stand by the job offer, pay for all the medical expenses and rally around him for what would be the greatest fight of his life.

Sadly to say, my coworker didn’t make it. I hope that being a part of our organization allowed him and his family to cherish what little time they had left together. I hope there was little time or worry regarding finances and health care options. My employer did the right thing and should be praised for it.

That dream job didn’t last forever. I spend too much time looking back, dissecting the situations that my team encountered and wishing I could change the decisions that were made. My dream had become a nightmare and it was imploding around me. I resigned. I never could have imagined that would happen. Had my paradise become paradise lost? Yep…but that isn’t why I left. Certainly, there were stressors that affected my decision because of all the changes taking place within the organization. But that…in…and of itself….wasn’t the reason.

I couldn’t do it anymore. Folks that don’t understand anxiety, depression, suicide…they think choices are available for those who are tormented. I personally couldn’t do it. I attempted to suck it up. I tried as hard as I could to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I kept on keepin’ on. Add whatever cliche you want….I tried to make it work. I couldn’t.

I went through Army basic training. It was a great time. You should try it. My favorite part was the gas chamber. The theory is that this particular training will allow a soldier to have confidence in the protective gear that is issued. It works like this. The trainees enter a building designated as a gas chamber filled with riot control gas wearing masks. When the drill sergeant approaches and signals, the trainee is to remove their mask and begin stating their name, social security number…you get the idea. The reality is that after taking that first breath without the mask on…ain’t nothing gonna come out…except for snot and possibly vomit…and a whole lotta tears.

Toughing it out and reciting whatever the instructions were is not going to happen. Looking at the drill sergeant with a calm demeanor and showing how big your nads are is not going to happen. What is going to happen is immediate chaos. You want clean, unmolested air and you want it now. So, off you go….straight to the exit. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

Just like the gas chamber, mental health issues are not rectified by being positive and putting on a big smile. Willpower is not going to sprinkle rainbows and unicorns amidst a person’s feeling of impending doom.

As I was typing my resignation e-mail I could not believe what I was doing. I didn’t want to do it. I had to.

Soon after hitting send my cellphone started blowing up. The human resources manager. The new president of the company…his first week on the job. Voicemails were left. I never listened to them. They are still on my phone. My wife was contacted by my employer. I understand that offers for help were made. I wish now that I had taken them. In that moment there was nothing friendly or safe. There was no future. There was no clarity. I needed to run. I needed to hide. I had pushed myself harder and farther than possibly any other time in my life, and I was fully spent. There was no more of me.

Coworkers at this employer always did an amazing job circling around…lifting up…supporting their work family during a time of need. My coworkers. Those that reported to me. Those folks that I saw something in and brought them in the door…nothing.

Five months later one of the associates that I hired texted me: “I was frustrated with you for leaving when you knew how difficult of a position that would put the rest of us in.”

Imagine the team members of the coworker who passed away from cancer sending that text. Imagine any health situation other than a mental health issue where someone would feel justified sending that text to a coworker or manager who had to step away.

Mental health is discussed much more openly these days. I suppose that is for the best. But does it mean anything? I mean, can’t someone take a pill and then everything is magically better? Isn’t that how it works in the pharmaceutical commercials? Likewise, although well-intentioned, the “Did you take your meds?” question literally is not the cure all.

After some time had passed, I was in a much better place. I had the long overdue conversation with my wife explaining how severe my depression was and how much danger I was in. Along with a new treatment plan, I was ready to work outside the home again.

That didn’t happen.

To put my career in perspective, never once have I interviewed for a position and not received an offer…until now.

After the most bizarre season of applications and interviews it became apparent that I was persona non-grata. And, there was always a social tie between my interviewer or decision maker back to the leadership of the company I left. The same folks who repeatedly went above and beyond for employees with physical illnesses were taking a 180 degree stance on my health issues.

I had to make drastic changes to my location and line of business to again generate income. I’m saddened by the reactions of others for me choosing what needed to be done to again be healthy.

The next time you are tempted to think or speak that someone with a mental illness is selfish for taking the same drastic measures as an individual who is battling a physical illness….don’t. Do, reach out…many times if necessary. One of the greatest failures in situations with someone suffering from a mental illness is expecting them to act rationally when a symptom of their disease is irrational behavior.

Allow them to find and receive the treatment they need. Welcome them back when they are able to return. They didn’t choose this. Please don’t cause them to suffer doubly.

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Hurricane Shutters

This past weekend was pivotal for me. I left the house one time…Saturday morning, for some drive through breakfast…and didn’t leave the house again till today…Monday morning.

When I say I didn’t leave the house, I. DID. NOT. LEAVE. THE. HOUSE.

I didn’t walk out to the driveway to grab the Sunday paper. I didn’t wrestle with my pup who was so thoroughly enjoying the backyard in the great weather. I didn’t answer the door when the doorbell rang. My body did not break the plane of my home.

I even closed most of the hurricane shutters. The bedroom? For sure those shutters were closed. …And that is where I spent my entire weekend. The bedroom.

Saturday, I was social. My wife and I did some binge watching on Netflix and watched an entire season of a new show together. We shared our meals. We had some great conversations. We found a new interest and made plans to research it some more.

Sunday was very different. Not too long after breakfast I asked my wife if I could be alone. She graciously bid her adieu and left me in the bedroom. I declined an invitation to the beach. I skipped eating lunch. Documentaries were my companion that day. I cried some. I felt hopelessness creeping all around me. I felt defeated.

I prayed for the first time in quite a while. I shared with God that I knew I was a disappointment. I apologized for my chronic failures. I asked Him that I would not wake to face another day.

Today, I woke up refreshed. At once, I tackled the morning chores. Quicker than any time in the last 3 months, I finished with my bath and was dressed…ready to start my day. I knocked out a 15 minute study session on Duolingo, a language learning app. The reminder feature on Google Calendar became my friend…setting up numerous items that needed to be completed today as well as recurring tasks that I need to start addressing more consistently.

As dark as my weekend was…today was Hall of Fame worthy!

The only answer for my sudden positive turn around is that I realized not only is the New Year upon us…but during this new year I will turn 50. Whether I like it or not, I’m on the downside. Even if I live to be 100, which is doubtful, the sands in my hourglass are counting down…and there will be a definitive end to my time on earth.

What am I going to do with that time? Will it be meaningful? Will I use it to achieve the goals that have as yet eluded me? Will I squander it? Will I lift others up…or will I tear them down? While there are events that are completely out of my control, there are two things I can do. 1) I can take charge of choices that I do have power over and use the time and resources at my disposal to live instead of exist. 2) I can choose to view differently the circumstances over which I am helpless to direct.

While today, December 30th, 2019 is the day that I officially founded this site…and it also happened to be a good day…this isn’t a “New Year, New Me!” kinda deal. This has been in the works for over a year. My days aren’t suddenly going to become bright and sunny. I’m still going to seek refuge from time to time. I’m not always going to be able to help folks the way I did today. There will be days when I’m going to lose control of my temper and hurl my verbal frustrations at some undeserving soul.

I will continue to fall. But, I don’t want to stay down as long as I have in the past. I don’t want you to either. I want you to know that you aren’t alone. You aren’t the only one who feels the darkness. You aren’t the only one who wants to give up.

Will you join me? We’ll ride the ups and downs together. I’ll share with you some of the journeys that have shaped me and I want to learn about yours.

As a team, we can Conquer Hope Deferred!